Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
