I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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