I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
