I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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