She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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