i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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