I cannot find my penis.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
