so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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