Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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