alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
