i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
