Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
