Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
