Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
