made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
