If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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