i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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