he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
