Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I did not marry a roomba.
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