I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My feet surprised me
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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