who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
