I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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