I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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