This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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