I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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