She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
