...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
