Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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