I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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