You're completely useless in the revolution.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Randomize
