His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
