I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
