I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
