i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I need to stop coming to work sober
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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