my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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