She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
