so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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