Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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