Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
