sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just invented taco cereal.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
