You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
being pregnant is like rehab
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
