Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
