I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
