Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
