Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
