now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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