Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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