Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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