tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Come on in and take your pants off
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