my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
