ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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