if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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