Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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