I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
