I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
