haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
