dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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