Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
