I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
