he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
being pregnant is like rehab
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
