I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
