if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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