i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
