I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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