just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
