I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
